So Jay took this opportunity to introduce me to his family in Korea. He has 2 older sisters and his parents. His sisters are a lot older and married and have 2 children of their own. They were all gathering for the holiday, so he asked his sister to do a face time by using skype.

I got to see all of his family, including his nephews and nieces. Jay’s father said I was pretty. His mother said it was good to finally see my face. I actually talked to her over the phone a few weeks ago, but she sounded pretty cold. But she was pretty warm and happy to see me last night through the skype.

It was a good experience. All this time, I thought Jay had a pretty cold spartan way of family. But after just briefly seeing them in Skype, it wasn’t so bad. I felt the warmth. I’m not sure it’s always like that, but I’m now scared anymore. One day, I will see them all.

Anyway, I’m off today. I had a check up at doctor’s appointment and decided to just chill for the day.  I haven’t had the chance to sleep well since last saturday. So I will take a short nap and hang out with Jay after his classes are over. He started school again and this time, he gets off at 8pm. It’s a lot better than 11:30pm that he used to last semester.

I was worried sick for him. I never went through death in the family. Sure, my grandparents passed away from old age. And they passed away in Korea, so I never got to attend the funeral. I know it’s dysfunctional, but I never accepted my grandparents’ passing away like normal people. I feel like they are still alive and well. So i never had that closure. In many ways, I prefer it that way.

So I decided to attend the funeral viewing. I was going to go see his other aunts and uncles anyway before this tragedy. I knew it wouldn’t be a great first impression to meet his relatives in a funeral, but I wanted to be there for him. And it seemed like he wanted me to be there. So I decided to go.

But before that, I saw Jay a few days before the funeral. Shockingly, he was fine. I expected him to be depressed or sad. But he seemed fine, other than the fact that he wasn’t smiling. So I began to realize how he deals with things like this. He was so cold and calculating and so ‘professional’ in such a devastating situation. In some ways, if you see it as positive side, I can count on him if some unexpected tragedy happens, but then on the negative side, I found him too robotic. Perhaps that was his way of dealing with situations like this. He did go through 4 other family deaths before. Maybe he was pretty numb to it all now.

Anyway, that was before the funeral. Well, I went to the viewing, not the funeral due to my work schedule complications. When I went there with him, I was a bit relieved to see him sniffing and shedding a few tears. On the other hand, I was a complete mess from the viewing itself. The casket wasn’t opened, but the atmosphere was something I never experienced before. There were lots of crying and a few of the immediate family members completely lost it during the viewing. And people singing and praying just put me in some kind of a twilight zone. At that moment, I regretted going there. I sat right behind Jay’s aunts and uncles and I realized this wasn’t a good idea. I did eventually say hello to a few of his aunts and uncles after the viewing with Jay. But they were so preoccupied and so disoriented that it didn’t matter. But at the end of the day, I did feel good about supporting Jay. He thanked me for coming with him. And all I could say was I’m sorry for not being able to do anything for him.

I felt pretty helpless because I had no idea what to do in this kind of situation. But I wanted to be there for him. I know me being there and attending the viewing itself was a big support. There was nothing I could do to help, but never the less, I felt helpless.

But the bottom line is that I am glad I was there for him when things like this happened. I’m glad that he let me in. I told Jay numerous times, that I want us to be a team and go through hardships together.

Anyway, things are back to normal. I actually talked to Jay’s mother over the phone last night. She and I exchanged an awkward hellos and how are yous. I knew she was a bit scary person, but even her voice sounded pretty scary. Jay said she doesn’t open up until you are part of the family. Well, the good thing is that she lives far far away, so I don’t have to interact with her too often. When Jay and I get married, I would have to talk to her over the phone now and then, but I wouldn’t go through some harsh in-law dramas like some korean girls do… Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Apparently, last Thanksgiving, my cousin brought her twin boys to the dinner. I wasn’t there due to my back issue. But I heard that she didn’t let anyone touch her babies nor let anyone come near them… saying they didn’t get their shots yet. Well, I guess she was pretty short with people or something. I mean, she’s always been that way. She has pretty interesting way of expressing her concerns or thoughts sometimes. Let’s just say that none of my relatives like her.

Well, after that Thanksgiving dinner, my big uncle, who is pretty much the head of the whole family clan, decided to cancel Christmas dinner and other future holiday dinner, except New Year Day dinner. He was pissed off at my cousin for what she did. He was just pissed that why she even show up to the dinner when she was going to act that way. His point was just don’t come to the dinner if she wasn’t going to show her babies to anyone and isolate them in the guest room. And he made another point saying that now the family is growing bigger and bigger. So let’s just get together once a year.

I was pretty pissed that he decided to take away our annual Christmas dinner. And I was pretty pissed at my cousin for making such a big deal with her babies. Honestly, why did she even go to the dinner if she was going to act that way.

Anyway, I will be making dinner both on the eve and the Christmas day for my family. My boyfriend is invited to the Christmas dinner. Hopefully his cold will be gone by then.

Things are going well at the moment with my boyfriend. He’ve met my parents and my brother and sister-in-law. My mom seems to like him a lot and my dad is pretty cool with him. It was so funny. I have never seen my boyfriend this nervous. But I had absolutely no doubt that he would do well with my family. It’s now my turn to be nervous. I’m going to meet his relatives sometime in late January.  His parents are in Korea, so obviously, I can’t see them. But some day, I would have to call them up and say hello.

Actually, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I took a trip to NYC for a few days. It was somewhat of a test for our relationship in a way. We never spent that much time together, so I was nervous. Thankfully, we didn’t fight nor get into any arguments about anything. It was so mellow and so enjoyable. I really loved hanging out with him and just walking around the city. One of my favorite times during the trip was when I took him to this small hole-in-the-wall japanese restaurant that I go regularly whenever I’m in town. I watched him study like a hawk as we sat facing the open kitchen. His eyes were sparkling as he watched the cooks take in orders and do their magic. Later, he thanked me for taking him to such places so he could study. He  said he learned a lot and plan to reorganize the cook staff at his place. Did I mention that he’s a sushi chef and he also manages the kitchen staff? He’s quiet a good cook as well. His goal is to open up a small sushi & ramen place of his own.

During the trip, we talked a lot about our future. All this time, I tried to put things aside when things started to sound too serious. But it’s time for me to really think about my future with him. He knows that I didn’t want to end up with someone who owns a business and won’t be there for me like a normal 9-5 office worker. So we talked about that. But I came to conclusion that I would be okay with it. I would be a little bored sometimes, but we plan to live close to my parents so I can hang out with my folks often.

We said the L word already. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m pretty sure this is love. Let’s see. I miss him all the time. I need to talk to him everyday, almost every hour through text. When I’m with him, I’m just at ease. I can just stare at him all day and not get bored. I don’t feel  the pressure to keep talking and talking to fill the silence. He’s handsome in my eyes. I respect him and I adore him for having such a passion in life. I love his smiles. I love how he reaches for my hand every time we are walking together. I love the fact that he tries to assure me whenever I’m worried about him. I could go on and on, but it’s time for me to sleep. ^^

This weekend should be interesting. I get to spend quiet amount of time with him. So we will see if we can spend time without getting into any fights. We have never fought before and our acupuncturist was a bit surprised by it. (Our acupuncturist invited us for dinner later so he can see if we are a good match. Hmm… I don’t need him to tell me that my boyfriend and I are a good match.) We’ve been going out about month and half and I guess he assumed we would have had little fights already… given the fact that we see each other every other day or at most every 2-3 days…. Well, it hasn’t happened yet. And i hope we don’t any time soon.

And this morning, our heater broke. Great. The good thing is that i have a mattress heater, so I can always hide in my bed until the heater gets fixed. Maybe  it’s because I was stuck at home for days, I feel pretty depressed these days. I still wake up every five hours when I go to sleep, which is unheard of in my standards. I started to eat meat again and some junk food like french fries. And I can feel my body reacting to it.

I really need to get back on my diet. Maybe my back pain is also related to my diet as well.

Anyway, moving on from the all the depressing stuff. The good news is that I’m doing well with my new boyfriend. It’s really weird for me to say the word ‘boyfriend’ because I’ve lived so long without it. As I mentioned before, we are moving fairly fast. It’s been exactly a month since we met, but he already gave me a copy of his house key. Yes, that’s crazy. I thought that was a bit too fast, but he gave it to me as soon as he asked me if I could be his girlfriend. He said I could always drop by and also hang out until he gets home from work.

Another news is that he’s going to meet my parents some time next month. We are already boyfriend and girlfriend, but he still wants a permission from my parents. (not the permission for marriage. No. Just permission to date me) Yeah, he’s pretty old school. He’s trying to do everything in order and in right way. He feels he needs to be careful and do everything the right way because my parents and his uncle have mutual friends. And Korean community is pretty small in MD and he doesn’t want any bad words flowing around.

We both are thinking about marriage at some point. It’s not like we are definitely going to get married, but we wouldn’t be seeing each other if one of us felt the other one was not a marriage material. I told him I want to move slow and have an actual relationship instead of jumping to such a serious matter so fast. I said I want to date, go traveling and actually have a fight with him before we seal the deal. He agreed. But he made me promise that no one should go home when we are in the middle of fighting or still have that anger left. I guess it’s like going to bed angry for married people. He doesn’t want that to happen.

He definitely has more experience on relationships, so I’m going to let him navigate in a way. I told my friend the other day… I feel so at ease with this guy. I feel like I don’t have to pretend like I’m someone else. I’m confident about this relationship that I actually trust him. And that’s a big thing for me. I trust him. And plus, he’s a great kisser.

He’s not the greatest sweet talker but he shows it through his actions. He stocked up piles of coconut juice at his place just because he knows that I drink them daily. He cooked me delicious dinner and also packed some for my parents as well. He always comes over to pick me up to whenever we hang out. He changed his work schedule so he could be off on Sundays.

Life is good right now. I just hope my body heals soon.

I have a boyfriend now. I’m tired from waking up middle of the night constantly for some unknown reason, but I am happy.

It’s been only 3 weeks, but we are already talking about the future and talk of meeting my folks. Well, it’s mostly him talking about it. I think the reason why we are more eased about talking marriages and future plans is because how we met. It was more of a blind date set up by someone who knew both of us individually and thought we would hit it off. And the fact that we are old enough and at that age where we should meet potential suiters that qualifies for marriage materials, makes it more easy to be yes or no. I’m just saying, it’s wasn’t some casual hookup meeting. We wouldn’t be wasting each other’s time if we were going for causal.

Anyway, the middle man asked us to meet at least 5 times. Not 3, but 5. The guy I’m dating, lets just call  him J. On our fifth date, he told me he realized on our third date that he wanted to see me more than just five times. As for me, the first date was too confusing for me. I was blindsided on some stuff and I was trying to get rid all those stereotypes and superficial stuff before really getting to know him. But after the second date, my impression on him gotten way better since I tried to ignore the stuff that bothered me on the first date. I respect him as an human being. And I say that’s a good start.

After the fourth or fifth date or so, we’ve been seeing each other almost everyday or every other day. He doesn’t have a lot of time, but he makes time for me. He dropped by with a morning tea, or met me while I was running errands. I can see he is putting a lot of effort to be with me. And I like the fact that he is trying and he’s very decisive. He even changed his schedule so he is off on Sundays to hang out with me. He said he felt bad for making me go out with him so late in the night.

He’s pretty attentive and sweet to me. He doesn’t play games. So I’m going to enjoy this and just go with the flow. I don’t have the urge to jump and run.

I keep telling myself that I should not expect others to be like me or have the same background as I do. But when that’s all you saw and all you knew while you grew up, how do you deal with the things that’s completely different dimension to your own?

I had fairly decent childhood growing up. I had issues here and there while trying to adjust to the new life in the States. But most of the immigrants have that issue. It’s something I can bond over with friends who also had similar experiences. But no two are the ever same.

I keep telling myself that I need to look at people’s personality, not what they have and what they can do. I keep telling myself that at the end of the day, all you are left with is just you alone. No money, no things can make up who you really are inside.

This is something I must keep on telling myself over and over until I die.

My dear friend of 10 years pointed out that I do the same thing over and over when it comes to dating. I come up with some stupid reasons and stop seeing the guys that I was seeing at that time. I would like to point out that some of the reasons were legit. But she’s right. And I talked about this to my sweet married coworker who I see everyday. She doesn’t know everything about me, but she knows me enough to know that I have relationship issues. She whole heartedly agreed with the idea that I have relationship phobia. She is just so mind boggled by why I am so guarded. And that’s something I, myself, can not figure out. Yes, there are some cause and effect that influenced me when I was growing up as a child, but there are others who have gone through similar experiences or worse, and have a normal human relationships and move on. It seems like I’m stuck when it comes to that. It took me almost 20 years to realize the part of the problems. Who knows how long it will take me to figure this one out?

So this topic leads to dating. I am currently dating someone. Yeah, it’s new and fresh. And I am trying so hard not to fall into my old ways. But there are some legit reasons why I am concerned. But all of those are a bit superficial in a way. Some things can’t be fixed and some things can. But I’m not sure if I want to be the one to fix this issue.

My friend told me to just look at his personality, and ignore the stuff that bothers me which are mostly superficial. He is nice and attentive. He works a lot and doesn’t have a lot of time for me. But he does text a lot and try to make time for me whenever he can. I know he likes me but I’m not sure if I do. I wonder if I just like this attention I’m getting from a guy. Yes, I can talk to him for a while and not feel the need to bolt. I feel comfortable with him, but I’m not sure if I’m physically attracted to him, yet.

How did we meet? My acupuncturist introduced us. The guy was also a client of my acupuncturist. He’s a sushi chef and he was having arm pain from working so much. Apparently, my acupuncturist wanted to introduce me to him. I guess he thought this guy and I would get along well. I do agree. This guy has pretty similar personality compare to mine. He’s pretty organized and a hard worker. He texted right away after the date and called me a few days after the date, unlike some guys who just emails every 2-3 days.

My main concern besides the fact that he doesn’t have much time to see me? His status is a bit worrisome for me. He is not a citizen. He actually came here as a foreign student with student visa. He does go to school and he works full time. He takes off one day and goes to school all day long to maintain his student status.

My concern is if this guy is really into me or approaching me for the citizenship. Sounds insecure, right? But I don’t want to pursue something that I am not sure of the guy’s true feelings. I don’t want any doubts, insecurities, nor questions when I jump into this.

I’m just thinking too much like always. So for the last few days or so, I’ve been ignoring those questions swarming inside my head. I was in awful mood right after the first date with him. Not because I had such a horrible time during the date, but because I hated myself for thinking I’m too good to be with him and that I deserve a guy who is equal in every way or higher. But who am I to say that? really. People are getting laid off left and right and your job could just disappear out of the blue. At the end of the day, you are just left with yourself, no citizenship status or what you for living. It’s just you alone.

So I wondered, can I see myself talking to him and hanging out with him without all those list of things? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It’s like when I’m with him, I feel at ease and I feel better about dating this guy. But when I’m alone and my mind start to swarm with questions and things, I don’t feel so good anymore.