It’s been a while since I updated my blog. Things are okay. Actually, Jay and I are doing great, but there was a tragedy in the beginning of the year. The schedule changed a bit and I was suppose to see most of Jay’s aunts and uncles on Jan. 1st (because his parents live in Korea, the next elders to say hello to were his uncles and aunts). But on the morning of Jan. 1st, we found out that one of Jay’s aunts was killed in a car accident. Her car rolled over and it killed her on the New Year’s eve. It was shocking and horrifying at the same time. I never met her, but i was suppose to meet her less than 24 hours away. So things turned upside down. Jay was busy trying to help out his cousin who is now all alone. The uncle died of cancer last year and the older son died of a car accident about 10 years ago. So this kid, who is 23 years old, is already messed up from all the deaths in the family before. Now his mother is gone as well. I can’t even dare to imagine what he’s going through. Anyway, Jay has handful of elders who can take care of stuff like this. But he was just busy and a bit distant from mourning the loss.
I was worried sick for him. I never went through death in the family. Sure, my grandparents passed away from old age. And they passed away in Korea, so I never got to attend the funeral. I know it’s dysfunctional, but I never accepted my grandparents’ passing away like normal people. I feel like they are still alive and well. So i never had that closure. In many ways, I prefer it that way.
So I decided to attend the funeral viewing. I was going to go see his other aunts and uncles anyway before this tragedy. I knew it wouldn’t be a great first impression to meet his relatives in a funeral, but I wanted to be there for him. And it seemed like he wanted me to be there. So I decided to go.
But before that, I saw Jay a few days before the funeral. Shockingly, he was fine. I expected him to be depressed or sad. But he seemed fine, other than the fact that he wasn’t smiling. So I began to realize how he deals with things like this. He was so cold and calculating and so ‘professional’ in such a devastating situation. In some ways, if you see it as positive side, I can count on him if some unexpected tragedy happens, but then on the negative side, I found him too robotic. Perhaps that was his way of dealing with situations like this. He did go through 4 other family deaths before. Maybe he was pretty numb to it all now.
Anyway, that was before the funeral. Well, I went to the viewing, not the funeral due to my work schedule complications. When I went there with him, I was a bit relieved to see him sniffing and shedding a few tears. On the other hand, I was a complete mess from the viewing itself. The casket wasn’t opened, but the atmosphere was something I never experienced before. There were lots of crying and a few of the immediate family members completely lost it during the viewing. And people singing and praying just put me in some kind of a twilight zone. At that moment, I regretted going there. I sat right behind Jay’s aunts and uncles and I realized this wasn’t a good idea. I did eventually say hello to a few of his aunts and uncles after the viewing with Jay. But they were so preoccupied and so disoriented that it didn’t matter. But at the end of the day, I did feel good about supporting Jay. He thanked me for coming with him. And all I could say was I’m sorry for not being able to do anything for him.
I felt pretty helpless because I had no idea what to do in this kind of situation. But I wanted to be there for him. I know me being there and attending the viewing itself was a big support. There was nothing I could do to help, but never the less, I felt helpless.
But the bottom line is that I am glad I was there for him when things like this happened. I’m glad that he let me in. I told Jay numerous times, that I want us to be a team and go through hardships together.
Anyway, things are back to normal. I actually talked to Jay’s mother over the phone last night. She and I exchanged an awkward hellos and how are yous. I knew she was a bit scary person, but even her voice sounded pretty scary. Jay said she doesn’t open up until you are part of the family. Well, the good thing is that she lives far far away, so I don’t have to interact with her too often. When Jay and I get married, I would have to talk to her over the phone now and then, but I wouldn’t go through some harsh in-law dramas like some korean girls do… Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed.
